A dear friend of mine posted a pic of me on facebook that she took around the summer of '97 or '98. She's an amazing photographer, has been since I met her, but the photo made me sad. I was somewhere near 20 years old. Clear skin, healthy weight and optimistic about my future.
It's amazing what a hormonal imbalance can do to your body. I was chubby as a child and was lucky enough to shed the weight in the 8th grade. I lost weight so quickly that some terrible girls at school accused me of using cocaine (middle school girls are horrible). Truth is the weight just came off on it's own. I've never been able to control my weight - in either direction.
I was a good healthy weight from '91 to 2006, ranging from 106 - 130 (I'm only 5'1"). In the fall of 2005 I began having issues with spotting, and not just a few days here and there, but spotting for months straight with horrible cramps. After changing doctors a few times, I finally found one that thought an ultrasound would be a good idea. Turns out I had a few pollups in my uterus and I was prescribed a higher dose of estrogen and had the pollups removed in November '05. I am still very angry that my previous doctors ignored my issues - two years prior I was hospitalized when a hemorrhagic cyst burst on my left ovary which caused internal bleeding. Shouldn't this have been a good warning sign that something was wrong with my ovaries/uterus right away?
My father passed away at the end of January 2006. I was devastated. I went from 125 to 170 in 6 months. At the time, I thought that the weight gain must have been caused by my depression and not taking care of myself properly. I had never heard of PCOS then and had no idea that depression was a symptom, just as weight gain, fatigue and acne were also symptoms. In hindsight, knowing that I had a *huge* increase in my hormones to stop my spotting right before my surgery, it makes sense to me that my weight gain was caused by a hormonal shift.
This makes me angry. I have had hormonal issues since puberty - missing periods for months straight, sometimes only getting it 3 times a year. I was put on the pill to regulate my period when I was 17. If I had a competent doctor at any time prior to my surgery, would I be on three medications, 50 lbs over-weight and battling IBS issues caused by the meds?
When I saw that photo Jennifer took of me it made me sad because I don't know if I'll ever have control over my own body. I hope one day to be healthy, happy and a mom. I don't know if I'll ever live the life I once took for granted that I would have.
4 comments:
You are beautiful and strong and I am so proud of you for being so informed about PCOS and for being such a great advocate for yourself.
If it weren't for you, I probably would have lost my mind along the way. You are a great friend, Becks.
You have no idea how much I love you. Believe me when I tell you, I will always be there for you to make your dreams and wishes a reality. We may look at our age and think. oh shit I'm thirty how the hell did that happen? But we still have at least 60 more years together on this plain of existence. There is always hope, the great thing about being human and American is we can make what ever future we want if we want it bad enough.
You're my heart beat. You're stronger then you could ever imagine.
I love you so much.
I am so incredibly lucky to have you in my life, sweetheart. I don't know where I would be without you. I love you with all my heart!
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